I honestly can’t believe I’m now well into my 50s-I sure still feel half that age in my mind!   I’m proud of the way that I care for myself and do my best to keep in shape, to continue to grow and evolve, and to better serve the world. I struggled for decades with feeling that I’m just not enough and that unless I’m doing something for others or making others proud of me, I’m not worthy of being here. That tape in my head just got so old and didn't serve me anymore but yet it often still shows up looking to drown out the loving voice inside of me that now has more of my attention. 

I look back now on my life and see just how much the belief of my inherent unworthiness about me had shaped the way that I saw the world. I’ve taken risks and had plenty of joy and love in my life but have also made myself suffer so much. I was often told how hard I was on myself, which made me feel even worse because I somehow wasn’t able to hide it. This unworthiness showed up in many ways. I sometimes soothed myself with food. I hid how much and often I eat because I was ashamed of my lack of self- control. I would retreat and close down rather than show my vulnerabilities; or I got jealous of others who seem to “have it all”. Yet I somehow kept on digging deeper into who I am and how I show up in the world even with all of the pain. 

I’ve been through some tough bouts of depression, anxiety and feeling alone and lost. There was a time when I was heavily medicated on mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety and adhd meds. I felt stable yet broken. I was working a high stress job and training and competing in long distance triathlons- thinking that the triathlon training was a way to relieve the stresses from my work. My body didn’t know the difference between the physical stress of long workouts and the mental and emotional stress from living from a place of not-enoughness. 

A few years back, the emotional duress from not being able to complete the high demands of my work and being overly concerned about how I was perceived by my bosses became too much for me. I suffered through two breakdowns where I was barely able to function and had to take a leave from work. I was experiencing many sports- related chronic injuries and a severe case of adrenal fatigue and had to stop competing in triathlons and marathons. I had been gutting through it all because of that belief that there was something wrong with me that I just couldn’t cope like others could. It took more than a year to get off of the medications and stabilize myself emotionally as well as slowly rehabilitate my physical injuries. It had taken much longer than that to begin to see the pattern behind these breakdowns- that I didn’t feel worthy. 

I turned to yoga to help with the sports related injuries and soon found that the practice was much more than physical stretching or strengthening. I loved how connected to my body I felt when I practiced and enjoyed being a part of a community that was so focused on healing. Practicing the physical postures of yoga kept me grounded in my body and soon led me on a journey deeper into the philosophy of yoga and how to live into the present moment. I began teaching yoga to help others and myself in 2014. 

Now I feel a drive within me like never before to show up more fully- to tell my story in the hopes of it having an impact on others- especially other midlife women like me. I witness and relate to the sadness, the hiding, the pervasive shame from women who have given up on their dreams of freedom and true happiness and are just going through the motions because they too don’t feel worthy or as if it’s somehow too late. Even though I still grapple with my sense of unworthiness, I’m learning to be on my own side and to live for just this moment. I’m seeing how all facets of myself; including those shadow sides, have led to me showing up even fuller than before.

My journey to worthiness...