SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND LIVE WITH MORE INTEGRITY
June 8, 2020
The other day, I noticed a nagging sense of frustration and anger simmering within me over a situation that just wasn’t getting resolved. Here’s what happened: I was told that I would receive something I needed to complete a project. I waited and waited for it to happen and it didn’t. When I followed up, I was told I needed to pay more to get it. I was angry and yet in my mind wondered if I had heard wrong in the first place. I began to justify that it was a lot to ask for so I said I’d be willing to pay for it to help it move along. Even after I communicated that I’d be willing to pay, there was still no movement to get what I needed. I was becoming more and more frustrated and wanted to let others know that this company was not one that kept its word. I felt powerless and unheard.
I also noticed that I was second-guessing why I didn’t clarify earlier what I would receive and then convinced myself that I was expected too much and didn’t deserve to get what I needed. I wrote an angry email in a heated moment, which, luckily, I didn’t send! Instead, I stepped back and ??? ????? ?? ???? ? ?????? and rewrote the email stating my expectations and the date that I needed this to be resolved.
?? ?????? ??????????? ??? ????????? ?? ?? ?????? ??????? ??? ???????? ??? ? ??? ????? ???? ? ?????? ??????? ????? ????
This demonstrated to me ??? ????? ?? ??????? ????? ?????????? and the ??-??????????? I needed to stand up for what I need or want. As women- especially if you are over 50, were raised when the predominant belief was that “children were to be seen and not heard”.
We were accustomed to cooperate, step back, and let others go first. We were told, directly or indirectly, not to make waves or upset others – especially with family. And when we do speak up for ourselves now, we tend to back down quickly if we get any pushback. ???? ???? ????? ???????? ?? ????
You may show up as strong and capable, yet the struggles to speak up and hold your ground are quite internalized, which makes you feel alone as you grapple with it.You hide the anger you feel about being treated like you don’t matter by backing down and then self-medicating with food, alcohol, TV or some other form that brings you temporary relief.
When you say yes to something when you want to say no, you get bitter about it and may seek retaliation. What’s actually underneath these beliefs you carry? And how do they get in the way of setting boundaries?
See if some of these barriers resonate with you:
???? ?? ????????? ?? ???????????- who am I to say no?
???? ?? ?????????????- if I draw the line, I’ll lose their respect or friendship
?????- If I don’t …who will?
ℕ??? ?? ????? ?????????- going along with something to be included or show that you can do it ?????????????- you convince yourself that you are overreacting, that it’s not that bad.
??????????????- allowing others to make decisions for you-my needs aren’t relevant
Ways to Create Your Own Boundaries⠀
???? ???? ??????-You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. Identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.
???? ? ??????- Brene Brown uses the mantra “Choose discomfort over resentment” to keep her grounded in an awkward moment when she knows she needs to speak her truth and set a boundary. Set one that resonates with you to keep you present and strong.
??????? ???? ???? ?????- A common cultural norm for women has been that we should be seen and not heard and that our voices don’t matter. If you have internalized these beliefs, it may be uncomfortable or unnatural for you to make requests or even think that your needs are necessary and valid. Practice speaking out loud to literally get connected to your voice. Try this voice validating mantra while placing a hand over your throat: It’s safe to speak my truth. My voice matters.
?? ??????- By saying what you mean and meaning what you say, you create a deeper sense of mutual respect. When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting. You can’t successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.
????? ????-You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm.
The Benefits of Strong Boundaries
You move from blaming to assertive claiming by practicing these techniques because you are living in more integrity with your own wants and needs. You are defining yourself – how you think, feel, believe and behave and learning to step back and let go when others see it differently.
Remember that you don’t have to be the savior by casting aside what you want to serve someone else’s needs. You are not the only one who can help. As you learn to hold your ground with the boundaries you set, you find a deeper freedom and confidence to take up more space and have a bigger impact on yourself and those around you. ?
The other day, I noticed a nagging sense of frustration and anger simmering within me over a situation that just wasn’t getting resolved. Here’s what happened: I was told that I would receive something I needed to complete a project. I waited and waited for it to happen and it didn’t. When I followed up, I was told I needed to pay more to get it. I was angry and yet in my mind wondered if I had heard wrong in the first place. I began to justify that it was a lot to ask for so I said I’d be willing to pay for it to help it move along. Even after I communicated that I’d be willing to pay, there was still no movement to get what I needed. I was becoming more and more frustrated and wanted to let others know that this company was not one that kept its word. I felt powerless and unheard.
I also noticed that I was second-guessing why I didn’t clarify earlier what I would receive and then convinced myself that I was expected too much and didn’t deserve to get what I needed. I wrote an angry email in a heated moment, which, luckily, I didn’t send! Instead, I stepped back and ??? ????? ?? ???? ? ?????? and rewrote the email stating my expectations and the date that I needed this to be resolved.
?? ?????? ??????????? ??? ????????? ?? ?? ?????? ??????? ??? ???????? ??? ? ??? ????? ???? ? ?????? ??????? ????? ????
This demonstrated to me ??? ????? ?? ??????? ????? ?????????? and the ??-??????????? I needed to stand up for what I need or want. As women- especially if you are over 50, were raised when the predominant belief was that “children were to be seen and not heard”.
We were accustomed to cooperate, step back, and let others go first. We were told, directly or indirectly, not to make waves or upset others – especially with family. And when we do speak up for ourselves now, we tend to back down quickly if we get any pushback. ???? ???? ????? ???????? ?? ????
You may show up as strong and capable, yet the struggles to speak up and hold your ground are quite internalized, which makes you feel alone as you grapple with it.You hide the anger you feel about being treated like you don’t matter by backing down and then self-medicating with food, alcohol, TV or some other form that brings you temporary relief.
When you say yes to something when you want to say no, you get bitter about it and may seek retaliation. What’s actually underneath these beliefs you carry? And how do they get in the way of setting boundaries?
See if some of these barriers resonate with you:
???? ?? ????????? ?? ???????????- who am I to say no?
???? ?? ?????????????- if I draw the line, I’ll lose their respect or friendship
?????- If I don’t …who will?
ℕ??? ?? ????? ?????????- going along with something to be included or show that you can do it ?????????????- you convince yourself that you are overreacting, that it’s not that bad.
??????????????- allowing others to make decisions for you-my needs aren’t relevant
Ways to Create Your Own Boundaries⠀
???? ???? ??????-You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. Identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.
???? ? ??????- Brene Brown uses the mantra “Choose discomfort over resentment” to keep her grounded in an awkward moment when she knows she needs to speak her truth and set a boundary. Set one that resonates with you to keep you present and strong.
??????? ???? ???? ?????- A common cultural norm for women has been that we should be seen and not heard and that our voices don’t matter. If you have internalized these beliefs, it may be uncomfortable or unnatural for you to make requests or even think that your needs are necessary and valid. Practice speaking out loud to literally get connected to your voice. Try this voice validating mantra while placing a hand over your throat: It’s safe to speak my truth. My voice matters.
?? ??????- By saying what you mean and meaning what you say, you create a deeper sense of mutual respect. When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting. You can’t successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.
????? ????-You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm.
The Benefits of Strong Boundaries
You move from blaming to assertive claiming by practicing these techniques because you are living in more integrity with your own wants and needs. You are defining yourself – how you think, feel, believe and behave and learning to step back and let go when others see it differently.
Remember that you don’t have to be the savior by casting aside what you want to serve someone else’s needs. You are not the only one who can help. As you learn to hold your ground with the boundaries you set, you find a deeper freedom and confidence to take up more space and have a bigger impact on yourself and those around you. ?
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